On this lovely first day of Spring, God drops the bullshit card, AGAIN. You thought you were getting out? Only six more weeks from your furry friend saw his f*ing shadow? HA! HA! He/She has the last laugh! If you are not in the northeast, then this blog means nothing to you. Your weather, for all I know your weather is like the 86 degrees expecting in Florida or something more presentable for Spring. My brother be damned! I am glad you are trying out your pool for the first time this season. I am stuck shoveling snow. As I watch the white wisps of frozen precipitation outside my window, longing for Bing Crosby singing White Christmas. (cue: record scratch) It’s f*ing Spring! The poor birds have been chirping outside my window since February. They are sick of this fluffy stuff too! Get on with it! Move on to the next season! LET IT GO!
Mother Nature is being a jerk. There is just no other explanation. She is being like a bully on a playground that just took your kickball and isn’t going to give it back until you do something degrading in front of all you classmates. We all need to take a stand here. We need to draw our name in the snow, or something that we are not going to take it anymore from this weather nemesis. Snow is for winter. Spring is for those stupid flowers and rain. No white stuff! OK, maybe getting a free Rita’s Italian Ice today is permissible. We are all built on principles, and I am sure if Mother Nature is reasonable, she will see it our way. NO MORE SNOW OR ELSE! That is just the way as it has to be. I mean what could we do? Stop buying Promise margarine? We could all pretend that we do not care, drive crazy in our 4X4’s, oh, wait, there are people that already do that. Moreover, I pray that they get into an accident. Doing sixty on snow and ice just asking for it. I know that makes me a bad person but just once I’d like them to flip horizontally, say, twelve times, just to shake up their brains. No one else would be harmed in this scenario. In the end, the driver would realize they are a dick. I do not need you to prove to me your masculinity while you torment me driving on my bumper. Yes, I have a small car. I am not over compensating like you in your quad cab, Hemi diesel with four tires on the back, so you can pick up your little princess at dance practice.
However, I digress. Snow go. It is Spring. It is time for green stuff and birds that don’t look like homeless people in New York. And flowers; colors! We need to get rid of the blahs. One other thing, let’s not jump right into Summer. I like Summer when it is Summer, not when it is Spring. Like sex, I need a little foreplay before I go full tilt. Just a suggestion.
Snow. Who needs it? I walked out of my apartment this morning at 6:15 AM to see a fresh blanket of the white stuff all over. “WHAT!” I thought. Not having been alerted by cell phone, by the weather man on TV and over the internet you could imagine my surprise this morning. I would have worn warmer shoes! I would have mentally prepared myself beforehand to dealing with slick roads in my newer car before step out the door. Snow? I do not like driving in the snow after smashing my old car a few winters back. I’ve built up anxiety even with just the thought of precipitation. I took a deep breath and stepped carefully to my vehicle. Although the temperature was above freezing the snow remained as a crunch under my shaky legs. From the parking lot, I could tell the snow fall started recently. Two other spots had been covered over with the white stuff. The air was quiet. It was no more than an inch, but it still was a nuisance. I had to clean off my car!
The drive to work was filed with weather as well. There were those that didn’t seem to be affected by the blowing of snow directly toward us. Others like me were bare-knuckled, holding the steering wheel in the glow of the alert signs flashing “Winter Weather Ahead Please Slow Down.” Cars were whizzing past me, kicking up debris in their wake, trying to prove something to themselves. I took it slow, stayed in the lane, and tried not to make any violent control movements. Snow is a strange thing. It can be good and provide a firm base to drive on. Other types of snow can be slick. I think I lucked out venturing out in the beginning and thus missing out on the slicker parts. Taking my time, I did not run into issues although I did see some police cars about my journey. I was fortunate to be on the opposite of the roadway.
At this point, you probably think it was just a little snow. There are worse people out there. So what! I would have to agree. I like snow in movies. I like snow when I do not have anywhere to go, have the fireplace roaring, and snuggled with my honey under a warm blanket inside. Snow outside? Shoveling? Cleaning? Ugh! It is days like this that make me think of how much I will bitch about the heat when it becomes summer. I am not happy with the weather unless the temperature is somewhere in the middle.
I am looking forward to retiring to Key West. Rain I can handle and gentle breezes from the coasts. I look to the future when I can sit in my hammock and stare at the sky as the clouds drift in and out of view. Warmth. Humidity. The day I can leave this cold will be awesome. Will I miss snow on Christmas? We have not had snow on Christmas here in years. No biggie! I can live without it. I will also not miss the slick ice, cleaning the car, and worrying about making it to work in the morning.
One good thing about today though. After today, there is one less day of winter weather to go.
Work! Ah, my car in is in the shop now, poor baby! I remember like it was yesterday. In fact it was yesterday, I was lying in bed listening to the radio, and hearing how there wasn’t any snow falling yet in Reading (about 5 miles from my house). So, like I have done for the last eleven years, I jumped out of bed, showered, dressed and fed the cat, en route to my lovely position at the Reading Hospital. As I stepped from my apartment something didn’t seem right. I looked around and there was all this funny white stuff about. How did the radio miss this? There were already inches of snow on the ground in no more that forty-five minutes. But, none the less, I trudged on. Cleaned my car, and spun my tires up the tiny hill that is my parking lot, rocking back and forth to help it as much as I could to get my car though the snow and what would be ice along the way. I made it to the top, which is part of a long hill down to the main road. At this point it was my choice to continue or to fall back. I remembered reading from my astrologer that it would be tomorrow that my luck would run out. Tomorrow would be the day when I would get stuck, so it was clear sailing. I took a deep breath, put it into first gear and headed into the abyss. I rolled slowly for a while. I took note of the grooves in the snow from previous victims of this hill, making sure to avoid others that wound up against the curb. As I got to midway, I could see the light at the end of the roadway. There was actual hope on the horizon, and then tragedy struck. I was in the middle of the road and I caught a line. I tried to brake, but no matter how much pressure I applied, pumped or even tried to slow, it was totally non-responsive. I remember thinking that I could get out of this. I didn’t expect that I would hit the curb, as it slid. Or even if it did, I thought I would be able to just back out. Well, it slid. I did hit the curb. I sat in my seat calmly. I first tried to back up. Nothing. I got out of the car and looked at the damage. I knew right away that something was wrong. The front passenger wheel was jammed up. I believe there is supposed to be some space there for turning. I called my insurance company and three hours later a tow truck took it away. I shouldn’t listen to astrologers.
EJ Eisman is the author of the novels Spoon Girl and Malaise, published by AuthorHouse. He resides in Reading, PA and is also a musician, artist, playwright, actor and filmmaker.