NOTE: This is an updated blog that I had first started 12/24/2006
There is a scene in Citizen Kane- OK- I’ve probably turned of half of you because of all the hype given to this movie. Half the world worships this movie as the best movie ever created, the other half thinks of it as a piece of black and white crap wrapped in a jacket of fecal excrement (ok- I’ve just used the same word three times but you get the picture). But the scene I’m thinking of is when the reporter is interviewing Bernstein. Bernstein recalls seeing this woman while sitting on a train in great detail over 40 years ago. She was across the platform heading in the other direction and she looked up from her reading. She smiled at him and he smiled at her. Her train pulled out. And after 40 years there is not a day that goes by that he does not think about her. Now there are no train stories in my life. There are a lot of close relationships, friendships, and romances that came and went and in this holiday season I sit wonder what did I do to make them go. At the time they seemed so “perfect” and yet now I am married to another. Each of them had such a profound effect on my life and now they are reduced to just a memory in and a foot note on myspace page. I think back to my love of music- was not really a love of music but the love of my next door neighbor- whom I played Donny and Marie (in Kindergarten) with before our parents decided to do the Romeo and Juliet on. But yet we snuck kisses through the chain link fence before the stockade was put up and that was the end of that.
Then years later (in Junior High) a new neighbor from Brooklyn moved in next door on the other side. Karen was her name- and we played the Bionic Man and she the Bionic Woman. Her Mom use to joke and call me son-in-law because I was over their house so often. She was big into the New York Mets (her Mom was heart broken when the Dodgers moved out so she swung her allegiance to the Mets after they moved into town) But somehow I found out she liked me- but she was older- and thus not cool. It didn’t matter cause her family moved out of there 2 years later. I’m still a big Mets fan because of her though.
Susan was in High School. She was unexpected- I really didn’t know her but she taught me a lot. She painted a picture that was something of bleak that I could not relate- but it inspired me to write my first play and then a musical. And all the while I wanted to learn the piano- her muse got me to do it. I really owe a lot to Susan.
I was at home into a rather nice white zinfandel- I would say about 1 litter of it when Blue Christmas came on the stereo. Now you have to understand in my household when I say Blue Christmas came on the stereo you might not know what language it will be spoken as my ex-wife liked to play her Hungarian music CD’s so that all can hear. But in this case the Hungarian singer was singing it phonetically- nice job I’d have to say- but that is ancillary to my point. As I had been drinking so much wine I had to hark back to my working at Arby’s days- yes- I worked at Arby’s back in the days- and to a woman that worked back line with me making sandwiches. It was Christmas time. I remember her as if she was standing right next to me: blond shoulder length hair, crazy blue eyes, and she smiled most of the time. She was a big girl and cute and I’ll be damned if I remember her name! But as the story goes we had been working hard over the Christmas time many eons ago and this song Blue Christmas had come on. She had this natural Elvis sneer on her face and pseudo-deep voice began to sing his parts and me being a pickup guy chimed in with the backup doo-doo-doo’s. We were a big hit in the store. And then I forget but we then pretended we were not talking to each other or something like that…and then she quit and we never talked again. Somehow in retrospect I wonder if she wasn’t just preparing me for what was to come. I’d really grown close to her and she told me everything- as women are apt to tell me for some reason. I knew she had a boyfriend and she had gotten pregnant. And hearing about their sexual escapades was not something a 19 year old wanted to only HEAR about…if you know what I mean.
Well anyway I did run into her years later- at Walmart. She was with her baby. Funny it was at Christmas time. What a lead in- she pushes her cart into me! I don’t remember if she was with what’s his name. And I still couldn’t remember her name. It was all really awkward. I didn’t know what to say- I wanted to say so much more to her but couldn’t find the words. All I saw were those big blue eyes looking back at me and she took my breath away corny as it sounds. It was neat to see her though. But I don’t think I’ll ever hear that song without thinking of her again.
Becky was my first real relationship. Two weeks long. We dated and we saw each other like for what seemed like months as we stayed out till 5am sometimes only to be at work at 7am. Becky was a wild girl. I heard lots of stories about her afterwards. After we broke up she got a tattoo and was put in jail (there was some rumor about her sending threatening letters to the chief of police?) But while I was with her I enjoyed my time with her. She broke up with me. She wrote me a long letter but I really couldn’t read it I was so blinded with anger. It was like she didn’t even want to try to work things out or even think there was something things could be done. I was really upset after the breakup. It took me like 6 months to get over her. I wrote a few songs about her to get over the anger. It helped. Her muse is there sometimes when I want some crazy woman that doesn’t know what to do but wants to live her life to the fullest in a play or something.
Aggie was my first real adult love and my ex-wife. She was married at the time and I didn’t want to become involved with her. We met at Boscov’s Department Stores working in the Men’s department. I was working at Christmas time and I remember being introduced to her and thinking, “WOW! I wonder if she is married.” I never saw a wedding band on her finger. For some reason the two of us clicked, as I have this way of drawing out women, I don’t know why. Our conversions would go on for hours as we would work and she could see I was just another goof off working there. So after the Christmas season was over I got laid off. But there was suppose to be a department meeting and she had my home phone to call to tell me about. We had got to talking and well one thing let to another. Suddenly it was a different ball game. We were seeing each other on a friendly basis. Well I could go on about it but to make the story short here are the highlights: her husband finds out; her ex and I have it out; she and her ex move away; she moves out; she moves in with me; she gets a divorce; we live happily ever after the best she can with an ex-husband. Or so I naively thought.
Jen. OK- Now I’ve got you wondering don’t I? If we live happily ever after why is there a woman after your current wife?? Well…there was a time were I wasn’t living happily ever after. It was after my now ex-wife got her divorce and I asked her to marry me and she told me flat out, “no”. That hurt. After four years of living together as her “paramour” I thought she would have jumped at the chance to be at least “engaged” to me. After all I wasn’t asking her to run down to City Hall and file right now!! So I began to think that after these four years that this was all a farce- that this was all going to fall apart now. I had known Jen from work for about two years now and we hadn’t seen to much of each other because we basically worked in different locations but now we were working closer together. She was talking about her relationship at home and so was I. And we started to grow closer. Jen was so supportive of my music, my movies, my theater, and whatever I wanted to do whereas Aggie was not. And I was just as supportive of her painting and the things that made her whole as a person. We seemed to complete each other if only for that moment in time. It was a rush to be in her presence. We never kissed, we didn’t make love, we didn’t do anything physically but emotionally and intellectually we were as guilty as could be. Suddenly we were talking about other things- leaving our spouses. One morning we were to meet a Denny’s for breakfast and talk about our plans- and we did. But when we met that morning we talked about reconciliation and repentance. From then I knew my life was different. Before Jen and after Jen and I guess I’m still trying to live with that. BTW Jen divorced her husband and moved to Chicago to be with her first love. She talked a lot about him and I think that was what kept her from me that morning. In retrospect I think it was right thing as I’m still with Aggie and I don’t think Jen and I would have lasted and that would have been heart break. But Jen’s muse had me write poetry and songs that I don’t think I would have ever done. Thanks Jen.
DeAnne is and was, I think, one of the closest friends I’ve ever had in my life. I say it like that because I had to say goodbye to her for my own sanity. She is funny, brilliant, and sometimes child like but also caring, personable, and a deep person. Some how the two of us connected on so many levels it was really scary. I would go to open mics and she would be there for me. When there was no other friendly face her’s would be in the crowd encouraging me as my wife didn’t like me to do such things. I think a lot of ways she is like me, she wants to do the right things but somehow the right things don’t always turn out right. She and I try too hard to please too many people and then wind up not pleasing our selves. I could really talk to her; maybe because she had an outside perspective on things but she seemed to understand and feel the pain along with you. She was close and it really hurt to say goodbye it’s a day I won’t forget. It’s really hard to lose a best friend and she was one of the best.
Well continuing with the Agnes story we grew apart. After a year of arguing and daring each other with moving out, I took the first and final step. I took the first step. It was hard. Probably the hardest thing I had to do. But she’s remarried and happy now. God bless.
In the first month of separation I went into a drinking binge (oh, like I’m not still there?). Let’s just say with all that freedom I wanted to taste what the world had for me. I started online dating and met lots of women. One was going had me interested up until she said she needed a Etrade account to get money out of her ex-boss. She was from England saying how she really wanted to meet me and stay over. I told her I’d sleep on the couch and her in bed she said, “No, we could share it.” He pictures were mesmerizing. Another was from Indiana with 4 mixed race kids. Every day a story would unfold about the kids, how she might get kicked out of her house, how she couldn’t work because of a back injury. It became sadder and sadder. And then there was the call about her going to jail. She needed $50. Nice guy that I am I wired it to her. Well to her mother (so I thought). It cost me $90 by the time I was done with wiring that $50 and I was done with that also. I was sad, drunk and looking for something. I started cutting; 12 parallel lines on my arm. I felt this cleansed me somehow.
It was Halloween. I sent a wink. We sent messages back and forth and November 4 we had coffee. There was walking hand and hand in the mall. That led to dinner. And I never wanted anyone else after that. We wonder the parking lot looking for her car. It was a memorable date, one of my favorite. There was something about her that after leaving Agnes made at all alright. She was comfort, laughter, happiness, love, romance, beauty, and intelligence all wrapped up into perfect person. Sadly from what I learned over the course of our on and off and on and off and on and off relationship was the best thing about being together was us not being together. It think it was all to new for us, this dating thing. She knows how I still feel about her and she exploits that with her emails or drunk texts out of the blue. It seems only after I’d broken up with someone that they’d show up, nothing like throwing a little gasoline on that fire. But that’s over now. I’ve told her to leave me alone. There’s a little part of me that really wish she wouldn’t
In the off parts of that previous relationship I had dated two other women. One was from up north, really up north. So north I could drive to my aunt’s house in NJ sooner that I could get to this woman’s house. She was a school teacher and she had a very young son. He had cancer at a young age and he won. That kind of made her over indulgent to the kid. But the two of us, the kid and I, had a grand old time playing with his toys, watching cartoons in the morning (I get up early), changing his diaper, all those things I was able to step into from my past experiences. The milf was nice too as was her family. Distance took a toll but she went back with her estranged husband.
Another lived so much closer. She had a hot tub. She’d feed me with lobster and steak. She rented this house in the middle of nowhere and two dogs and a teen daughter. She had a water bed. It would have been so easy to be a part of that but that’s life for you. A fateful pool party request from my ex-gf (you can bring your gf if you’d like, yeah right!) allowed me all the ammunition to just let this relationship slide into oblivion in order to get back with her.
Yeah, well I got back with her and it looked like things were going to be full steam ahead on the relationship. She moved her furniture in. She spent some time here. Slowly her clothes came in. And just about when I thought everything was coming together in my financial life she broke up with me.
Well on to the next: she was working in Philadelphia and went to bed very early so we only saw each other on the weekend because of distance. We had some good times and she turned me on to Victory Brewery Company, Gaucho Steak, Cocker Spaniels, Chicago, ATV riding and camping. In the end it was distance that was the demise.
The next was from Lancaster: no job, no apartment, but so full of personality. At sometimes I felt like I was more of a cheering section for her. Yes, I believed in her and she succeeded. Her family was like something out of Moonstuck. She is fun to be with because you never know what she is going to say and it could be quite uncomfortable but just laugh along. Don’t get her started on religion or the lack there of it.
OK- then there was the best kisser I’ve ever met. She was a plain type person. I think she took offence to my Tommy Hilfiger clothes, Nautica sheets and Woolrich blinket. She broke it off.
Last but not least was a firework burning in the sky: a few days, a few meals and then I don’t hear from her again. C’est la vie!
Well this Christmas I’m thinking of all of them and many others. Those I can’t even mention here- LOL! You know who you are! I hope for the best of you and if you see me say, “Hi”. I’m still here love you-your poor pathetic long lost love on that train going in the opposite direction.